Take your lead from meh to masterpiece

But in her “after” intro, she unpacks the terse newsy lead and shows us Tyler in action. Note the difference between “Tyler, 6” and Tyler’s role in the second draft.

Tyler suffers from Type 1 diabetes, an auto-immune problem where the body fails to produce insulin, a hormone needed to convert sugar, starches and other food into energy. Even on medication, blood sugar levels can drop dangerously low long before symptoms occur.

“When that happens, Tyler’s not able to think straight,” said Kimberly. “He’s just 6 and sometimes he ignores the signals and continues playing. We wanted a dog who could alert Tyler — and us in case Tyler becomes unresponsive.”

Tyler’s puppy companion, Pilot, is in training to become his diabetic alert dog. He’s such a standout student, so it’s hard to believe that Pilot was once homeless in a shelter in Glasgow, Kentucky. Until he boarded the PetSmart Charities Rescue Waggin’ vehicle.

Here, Mary Schneiter, internal communications manager for Constellation Brands, transforms a “yup” lead into a descriptive intro packed with concrete details.

Oh, how I love that abandoned sauerkraut plant and its lingering, pungent shadow. And “exorcised” seems like precisely the right verb here.

How can you transform your “yup” lead into a fascinating feature introduction?

My father, Marvin Sands, was discharged from the United States Navy in December of that year, just shy of his 22nd birthday. And as that transformative year in history wound down, my father took steps that would transform his own life. He set on a new entrepreneurial path, taking the helm of Canandaigua Industries — a small bulk wine business in upstate New York. Little did he know how far his venture would someday come, evolving from a small business with just eight employees into a diversified global powerhouse. These are the humble beginnings of our collective story — of Constellation Brands.

He launched the company seventy years ago in an abandoned sauerkraut plant that still retained the lingering, pungent shadow of its previous occupant until that was exorcised by more heady aromas of grapes, sugar and oak. Back then, Marvin did not dream that from this modest start his venture would eventually grow into the total beverage alcohol company we know today as Constellation Brands.

Got thousands of at-risk college students? Choose one, as Debra Crawford, public information officer for Colorado Mountain College, does here.

Notice how this second approach softens the rest of the intro and makes it more compelling.

College administrators learned recently that their previous $2.2 million Student Support Services grant, which serves students at the college’s three residential campuses, has been expanded to $4.3 million over the next five years. Up to 520 students will be able to benefit from an array of SSS offerings including supplemental grant aid, free tutoring, fluent academic plans, personal counseling and transfer and career assistance. Qualifying students attending nearly all of the college’s 11 locations in north-central Colorado can apply for SSS support.

But thanks to help she received from the Student Support Services program at Colorado Mountain College, she learned how to overcome that anxiety through testing preparation and the support of a great tutor, navigated a conflict with a professor and even got help to pay for books. And against the odds, last year she earned a certificate in medical assisting and now has a job at a local pharmacy.

Like Carlin, thousands of at-risk college students in rural Colorado will receive financial and academic support over the next five years, thanks to a new federal grant that will empower Colorado Mountain College to greatly expand support services throughout its six-county district.